How Do You Help?
For seasoned executives, our lives have been a series of successful engagements, opportunities and adventures. For all the things I've learned, hardships overcome and successes obtained, there was a skill that was missing from my toolbox in a major way. In speaking with other leaders this is a topic that is somewhat uncomfortable, and thus wanted to bring it front and center.
As the Beatles famously sang … "HELP!"
What happens when the shit hits the fan? When something goes catastrophically wrong in our lives? I loved reading Cheryl Sandburg’s account of life's curveballs in Option B (highly recommended book), and it's a gut-wrenching tale for most of us. Of course throughout our lives we all ask for help, but those were strategic asks or accompanied by reciprocity of some nature.
What I want to investigate in these next few thoughts is three-fold:
How do you give help?
How do you receive help?
How do you start to help the larger community around you?
GIVE GOOD HELP
I want to start in this area, as it's a more comfortable topic than the others. We are all used to helping the people around us - family, friends, colleagues, associates. In order to have reached levels of leadership and success, it's been imperative to understand the magic that comes from helping others. But when the bottom falls out for someone you know, how do you respond to provide a helping hand while allowing them to retain their dignity?
:: BE OPEN ::
When you are approached by someone in need of a helping hand, one of the more important things to remember that person is coming to you in an incredibly vulnerable state. Be sure to REALLY dig in on your listening. This is not the time to pontificate or even worse - to judge. Actively listen to their concerns, their feelings and their situation.
Probe with open-ended questions to start to get to the heart of the situation. Allow them to have a safe space for them to talk through the problem as they see it. There will be plenty of time later on for conversations and advice, but at the start, be open to letting them take the floor and think through the problem out loud with you. Don't try to set an agenda or use any of this to your advantage. If you start thinking in that way, stop yourself immediately.
:: TIMING MATTERS ::
Sometimes people will come to you with urgent matters. Some of those will be timely - meaning that you need to find that time to help those people out. Other times it may be an extended or non-deadline’d discussion. Either way, be sure to understand the specifics of the timeline for critical aspects of this situation. Is there a date a decision needs to be made by? Another impetus for getting clarity on solutions?
Along with this point, be consistent in your relationships and role. If the person is coming to you because they know you will give good advice with a dash of humor, don't change your role. Obviously adjust, but stay true to that role.
If someone has come to you because they know you will be blunt with the truth, don’t start sugar-coating things now just because the situation is tenuous.
It should go without saying, but do what you say. If you agree you will follow up with them on certain dates...do it. If you are going to give them resources...do it. That person is already in a difficult spot and vulnerable in asking for help -to have to have them remind or ask multiple times is adding their stress levels and compounding the difficultness.
:: ASSUME = ASS ::
Most times we enter a situation with preconceived notions about the person we are dealing with, their relationships, knowledge, experience, mental capacity...so many different things. During this time of helping, be sure to check those assumptions at the door.
Even if it makes it uncomfortable talking through things you already may know about this person or situation, take a step back. Starting from a more blank slate will not only ensure you don't miss certain nuances, but will also force the person you are helping to step through things in a unique light. This may uncover unique solutions or more pertinent questions that previous assumed.
:: AGREEMENTS ::
In times of crisis, we tend to over-extend ourselves to help others. This is incredible generosity at its finest - I would argue that these critical situations is exactly when you want to be as generous as possible. BUT, be open and honest about the ground rules of this generosity.
For example, if a neighbor had their car total'd, it's generous if you lend them your car, BUT be sure to layout the terms/guidelines. When do you need the car back? What else is expected? This is a strange example, but the same thing goes for any other things you may agree to do or give. Don’t use this as a time for ambiguity - that could lead to issues and problems in the future. It doesn't have to be formal contracts and agreements, but at least make sure everyone is on the same page.
:: PLANNED OBSELENSE ::
Make sure that your help doesn't turn into a crutch. During the majority of my consulting work, we always worked to ensure that while we spent time working on and fixing issues, we also would grow the capacity of the internal team.
Yes, not a great business strategy - to always look for our exit and allow the organization to go on without us. It’s the same thing here -you can help someone for a while, you and hold them up as they need to....but you also have to figure out how to best wind down without being a disruption. If not, you aren't helping them, but hindering their ability to fend for themselves.
GET GOOD HELP
On the other hand, is the more uncomfortable issue -when your best laid plans go awry and you need help. So...how do us A-Type personalities deal with asking for help when the situation arises?
:: BE OPEN ::
You never have a second chance to make a first impression, the cliché goes. It's the same when asking for help. Whenever you are having the initial dialogues about the issue at hand, if you are asking for help, you have to be able to lay it all out on the table.
Sometimes these problems are OUR doing and it's incredibly uncomfortable to have to fess up to your role. So be honest about what got you here. Take responsibility for what you did. Check your ego at the door and humble yourself. From my experience, people are more likely to understand if you are being honest rather than hedging to avoid responsibility, or come back after the fact to add more detail to the story and your involvement.
:: KNOW THY TIME ::
While people are open and love helping, you also have to make sure you don't turn into chicken little. Yes, life is hard, but every step of the way, every issue isn't a huge problem that you need to bring in your network and social capital to deal with. So know when to suck it up and figure out a solution on your own and know when it's time to put up the white flag and bring in the reinforcements.
:: KNOW THY AUDIENCE ::
At this point in your life and career you have done a great job of building an incredible network. Both personal and professional. When your back is against the wall, it's time to start utilizing those folks closest to you to help get you back on track or fix a problem. One of the worst things you can do is spam your network with generalized requests for help or advice.
Another misstep is asking the wrong person for the wrong advice. I once had an employee that was a parent come to me looking for help on a child-rearing issue. I could use the skills I've described above to actively listen and help them figure out some beneficial solutions. I kept thinking what an odd conversation this was, as I don't have kids. So, know the folks you are asking for help from, and tailor your conversations and requests to their areas of expertise or that have gone through similar situations.
:: GET IN, GET OUT ::
Much like the advice above on planned obsolesce, the same goes for when you are asking for help. Realize that the best way to get help is to help yourself. People will be there for your needs, and hopefully you are blessed to have an incredible support group that WOULD stick by your side for a long time. BUT, the best way to show those folks you have asked for help that you are actually listening and acting on their advice is to make sure you have a plan to not need their help. This may take a few days...a few weeks or a few months. Whatever it may be, ensure that you have an exit plan and don't overuse the generosity of their help.
HELPING YOUR COMMUNITY
I also wanted to talk a bit about the incredible opportunity that exists in community service. I was raised in a household that reinforced the importance of giving of your time, talent and treasures.
From a young age, I remember giving back and it's been embedded in my DNA. I crave this work and look forward to it. It energizes me, and as cliché as it is, I get more out of community service than I feel like I give.
For many people, giving back to their community is either a) something they never think about , b) something they consider, but don't act on or c) something they are intending to do but never take that first step.
Here's a quick primer on how to get your ass off the couch and give back to those in need. I promise you, you will love it.
STEP 1 - RESEARCH
One of the most important things to do when looking at community service is to find an organization and cause that is meaningful to you. Go deep in this area and search your soul to see what ignites your passion.
For me, it's a few areas including children, education, poverty and homelessness Those things light up my brain and my heart and I can't stay away. There are incredible resources online to allow you to search for and learn more about local and national organizations.
Check VolunteerMatch.com -they can help get you in the right direction. In addition to finding great organizations, those online resources will help you find the best match for actual work depending on your commitment level.
STEP 2 - MAKE A COMMITMENT
This sounds like a no-brainer, but once you found a great organization and an activity that works with your schedule and desired commitment, commit to it. That commitment can be a mix of time (actually spending your time with an organization), treasure (donating money and/or goods to support the organization) and talent (using your unique skills in a special way to help an organization).
Tell family and friends about it - like any habit forming activity, once you publicize it the more apt you will be to keep that commitment. Either way, these organizations count on their volunteers, so don't show up and then abandon them. Make a commitment and honor it.
STEP 3 - STICK WITH IT
Here's the thing. We live in the real world. There are days when the LAST thing you are going to want to do is spend time at your community organization. You may be feeling tired, have a lot on your plate or not be feeling it.
Guess what? Suck it up cupcake.
Keep going. Honor that commitment. Remember when you decided that THIS was the organization you would stick with. And most time, after an hour or two doing the good work you are committed to...the rest of your problems will melt away. One of the incredible things about community service is the perspective it imparts on your life.
You are worried about something you think is so massive...until you spend an hour doing magic for a 10 year old about to go in for a chemo treatment. Right? Stick with it.
STEP 4 - TAKE A BREAK
Ok right on the heels of sticking with it, is also a contradictory step. Sometimes, you will need a break. Take it. Sometimes you are overwhelmed and won't give 100%...so give it a breather. There are times where you need a week off...take it. If not, you will burnout.
So even though you are going to want to stick with it, make sure you have planned breaks. The important thing is to not spring this at the last second or make it an ongoing issue. Take your break, get re-charged and then get back in the game. For many first time volunteers this is an essential part of your plan. You are going to want to overcommit and as you get that rush from the good work you are doing you are going to want to increase your work. Don't.
Slow and steady wins this race.
STEP 5 - DOCUMENT AND SHARE
Publicity is the boss for small organizations that are looking to make a change in the world. Be sure to include the work you are doing on your social media profiles and spread the world about organization.
Try to get more volunteers and funding through your network or any time/fund-matching that may exist at your job. The trick to this is to share and spread the word, but DON'T boast or brag about it. It's a difficult line to tread. Ask someone for advice, or if you are worried that something may sound braggadocio.. .guess what, it most likely is.
There are so many more tips and hints when it comes to helping each other out. I'm no expert, just a guy who loves this work and has found such satisfaction in community building.
My biggest piece of advice? Act. Do SOMETHING.
Too many people are philosophically supportive of giving back and helping others, but sit on the sidelines to wait for the perfect time to get involved.
You know when that time is? RIGHT NOW.
So stop talking about the ways you want to help the world, quit making plans on finding the perfect charity to support and get off your rear. Make a difference today - take those steps and start the most amazing journey of your life.